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Funny Ruminations and Funny Musings

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead" ?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks ?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men ?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it !

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him ?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons ?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle ?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard ?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Is there another word for synonym ?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all" ?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant ?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk ?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked ?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines ?

What is 111,111,111 times 111,111,111? Answer: 12345678987654321.

Funny Jokes Joke: The Bus Driver and the Almonds

A bus full of seniors was headed to Atlantic City. A little old lady taps the driver on the shoulder and offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully accepts.
A while later, she brings another handful for the driver. The driver asks her why they don't eat the almonds themselves? The little old lady says they can't eat the almonds because of their teeth. They can't chew the almonds.
When the old lady brings the next handful, the driver asks, "Why do you bother to buy them if you can't eat them?"
The lady replies, "We just love the chocolate around them."

Funny Jokes Joke: The Drunk Ex

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked,'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

Funny Jokes: The Technology Joke

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG.
THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED,SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE, I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH.
NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID...................
WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.....I'M GETTING A FAX!!"

Funny Jokes: The Rent Check Joke

A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500. He spends the night with her but before he leaves, He tells her that he does not have any cash with him, But he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.' On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note: Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that; 1) it had never been occupied; 2) that there was plenty of heat; and 3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, That there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, The girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a 'Beautiful' apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. There is plenty of heat, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the Landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to Contact your present Landlady.

Funny Jokes: The Missing Husband Joke

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!" The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Rick has been missing since Friday.

Funny Soldier Camouflaged on Couch
Soldier uses camouflage to blend into an ordinary couch.

 

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